As I was reading some old files, I found this one. It was originally a letter to me, but I’ve taken time to make it less “all about me” so I might share it with all of you. Maybe it will bless you. It most certainly blessed me when I wrote it.
What a struggle you face! You’re not like the others who think about that “worst decision ever made” daily without prompting. You have tightly locked it away from your daily life. It’s a trunk of pain that silently follows you around in your shadow. You’ve gotten really skilled at both acknowledging and ignoring it. It’s not that you would deny the existence of it, and you would answer straight forwardly if asked. I think you hide it from yourself, really. But, it’s starting to leak. It’s time.
Open the trunk, Dear One. You can do this with the Lord without fear. It is possible. It can result in healing if you do it with Him.
Yes, it may qualify as the ugliest thing you think you’ve ever done in your life in your own mind. But, the truth of it is—your sin is black, ugly, painful, and offensive to the Lord, no matter what it is. Thoughts, words, and actions weigh the same. Which does more damage to your heart, to your relationship with the Lord? Would it matter if it were adulterous thoughts; angry, hurtful words; unkind, passive-aggressive actions; or murder? None of them is worse. All of them mean pain and separation from God. You know that. Put it in perspective.
The thing to remember is that none of these things is beyond the healing hand of the Lord. And—He desires to do the healing work in your heart, mind, and soul. Do you believe that? Will you trust He can, will, and wants to do that?
A time is coming when the tears of joy will bless you because the sin and pain are completely blotted out by the blood of Jesus in the presence of the Lord in the New Heaven and New Earth. You know, that reality (the sin blotted out) is now. Embrace that.
The moment you surrendered your life to Christ He applied his blood to your sin—every single sin! This painful, destructive one was included. Don’t be confused. He didn’t leave this one out. He wasn’t holding back on this one with the hope it would eventually get covered. He wasn’t waiting for you to come to a point where you would finally be ready for this one to be “turned in” to Him. He saw it all. At Calvary.
It is you who separated this one out…held it back…didn’t include it with the rest. You created the separation that you think condemns you in some way now. Did you think this one was dirtier? Bigger? Bigger than God? More serious? More serious than He could or would handle? Did you save this one as your own personal badge of warped honor? Please don’t! Honor the painful, heart-felt sacrifice Jesus gifted to you that day on Calvary. Really receive it, Beloved. Anything you believe you can hide or keep from Him is a lie, first, and really would condemn you if you could. You really don’t want that.
He paid it. He was joyful to do it. It was not the sins He had his eyes on—it was you! Oh, that you would see and comprehend the Father’s love for you! That you would no longer cognitively wrestle with it, but truly, honestly, deeply, and experientially “get” it. The love of God is so high and wide and deep, sweet friend. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Nothing!
The experience of this choice was nothing anyone said it would be and nearly every nightmare it could ever be. I’m so sorry. The things you you heard that nudged your decision were half truths or bold-faced lies. The things withheld turned out to be so important. Your fear ruled. Your pride overruled. What else would anyone expect under these circumstances without a knowledge of or a vibrant relationship with God?
A lot of painful experiences went into this. You were very wounded. You’d learned a lot of survival skills, but nothing prepared you for this. Improvisation was the default. How others thought about you, how you thought about the choice in front of you, and feeling trapped led to a horrible decision. It’s true. The truth is painful.
Your Abba Father rescued you and will preserve you, Beloved. You know that. Trust that to the core of your being with all you’ve got! This is more than some academic understanding you need to “cognitively embrace.” This is truth that needs to permeate your heart! Let this little seed get in there, germinate, and grow! He really will remove the heart of stone and replace it with a soft, gently-beating heart of flesh.
Dear One, you are a daughter of the Most High God. You are his child here and now, not just hereafter. Your freedom from sin was intended to start so long ago. You were never intended to lug a locked trunk around with you in the shadows everywhere you go.
Please listen. Please allow yourself to be freed. You already are.
Things to Ponder:
Which of your past “ugly choices” do you silently keep in your tight fist? Which is the one you just can’t seem to trust in the nail-scarred hands of Jesus? Let it go, my friend, let it go.
How would life be different if you really did let it go?